Friday Night Funnies: Mayday! Mayday!

Man Killed on Golf Course . . . The Price of Honesty!

A foursome of guys is waiting at the men's tee while a foursome of women ahead of them is hitting from the ladies' tee.

The ladies are taking their time.

When the final lady is ready to hit her ball, she hacks it 10 feet.  Then she goes over and whiffs it completely.  Then she hacks it another ten feet and finally hacks it another five feet.

She looks up at the patiently waiting men and says apologetically, "I guess all those f-----g lessons I took over the winter didn't help."

One of the men immediately responds, "Well, there you have it.  You should have taken golf lessons instead!"

He never even had a chance to duck.  He was 63 . . .
A Marine Wife Confesses
This came from a Marine wife. It says it all
I sat, as did millions of other Americans, and watched as the government
Underwent a peaceful transition of power two years ago..
At first, I felt a swell of pride and patriotism while
Barack Obama took his Oath of office .
However, all that pride quickly vanished as I later watched 21 Marines,
In full dress uniform with rifles,
Fire a 21-gun salute to the President.
It was then that I realized how far America's military had deteriorated..
Every one of them missed the bas^ard.
“Help...Help, my pilot just died!"

A blonde is on board a small two-seater airplane when suddenly the pilot dies. Not knowing how to fly a plane she grabs the radio.

"Mayday!  Mayday!  My pilot just died!"

Ground control receives her call for help and answers back, "Don't worry, Madam.  I'll talk you down, just do as I say.  First I need you to give me your height and position."

"I'm 5’2” and sitting in the right front seat."

Ground control responds, "Repeat after me: Our Father... Who art in Heaven..."
A  must  read for Grandparents....(Those who aren't will love it,   too.)
At one point  during a  game, the coach called one of his 9-year-old  baseball  players  aside and  asked,
'Do you understand what  cooperation is?   What a team is?'  The little boy nodded  in the   affirmative. 
'Do  you  understand that what matters is whether we win or lose together as a   team?'  The little boy nodded 'yes'.  
'So,'   the coach continued, 'I'm sure you know, when an out is called, you   shouldn't argue, curse, attack the umpire, or call him a  pecker-head,  dickhead or asshole.  Do you understand all  that?'  The little  boy nodded 'yes' again.
He  continued, 'And when I  take you out of the game so another boy gets  a chance to play, it's not  good sportsmanship to call your   coach "a dumb ass or shithead" is  it?' 
The  little  boy shook his head 'NO'.
'GOOD',  said the   coach..
'Now  go over there and explain all that to  your  grandmother!'

The woman applying for a job in a Florida lemon grove seemed
  to be far too qualified for the job; given her liberal arts degree from
  the University of Michigan and her jobs as a social worker and
  school teacher.

The foreman frowned and said,  "I have to ask you this:
 "Have you had any actual experience in picking lemons?"

"Well, as a matter of fact, I have!"
  "I've been divorced three times,
  owned 2 Chryslers, and I voted for Obama."

1. Law of Mechanical Repair
After your hands become coated with grease,
your nose will begin to itch and you'll have to pee.
2. Law of Gravity - Any tool, nut, bolt, screw, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible corner.
>3. Law of Probability -The probability of being watched is directly proportional to the stupidity of your act.
>4. Law of Random Numbers - If you dial a wrong number, you never get a busy signal and someone always answers.
>5. Law of the Alibi - If you tell the boss you were late for work because you had a flat tire, the very next morning you will have a flat tire.
>6. Variation Law - If you change lines (or traffic lanes), the one you were in will always move faster than the one you are in now (works every time).
>7. Law of the Bath - When the body is fully immersed in water, the telephone rings.
>8. Law of Close Encounters -The probability of meeting someone you know increases dramatically when you are with someone you don't want to be seen  with.
>9. Law of the Result - When you try to prove to someone that a machine won't work, it will.
>. 12. The Coffee Law - As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee, your boss will ask you to do something which will last until the coffee is cold.
>14. Law of Physical Surfaces - The chances of an open-faced jelly sandwich landing face down on a floor, are directly correlated to the newness and cost of the carpet or rug.
>18. Wilson's Law of Commercial Marketing Strategy - As soon as you find a product that you really like, they will stop making it.
>19.Doctors' Law - If you don't feel well, make an appointment to go to the doctor, by the time you get there you'll feel better. But don't make an appointment, and you'll stay sick.
The graveside service was just barely finished, when there was a massive clap of thunder, followed by a tremendous bolt of lightning, accompanied by even more thunder rumbling in the distance.
The little old man looked at the preacher and calmly said, 'Well......she's there.'
 Okay, off to bed, want to get up early to enjoy what might be the last warm weekend of this year. The leaves are falling, time to get the potatoes and carrots out of the ground.