Showing posts with label friday night funnies. Show all posts
Showing posts with label friday night funnies. Show all posts

Friday Night Funnies: You Can Retire To....

The Y Generation....Occupy Your Parents Basement....

People born before 1946 were called The Silent generation,

People born between 1946 and 1964 are called The Baby Boomers,

People born between 1965 and 1979 are called Generation X,

And people born between 1980 and 2010 are called Generation Y.

Why do we call the last group Generation Y?

Y should I get a job?

Y should I leave home and find my own place?
 
Y should I get a car when I can borrow yours?
 
Y should I clean my room?
 
Y should I wash and iron my own clothes?
 
Y should I buy any food?
 
But a cartoonist explained it very eloquently below...

I think we saw those Y's at Occupy!
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For all you cat lovers....



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No one believes seniors.   . . everyone thinks they are senile.

An elderly couple was celebrating their sixtieth anniversary. The couple

had married as childhood sweethearts and had moved  back to their old neighborhood after they retired.

Holding hands, they walked back to their old school. It was not locked, so they entered, and

found the old desk theyd shared, where Andy had carved I love you, Sally ..

On their way back home,  a bag of money fell out of an armored car,

practically landing at their feet. Sally quickly picked it up and, not sure what to do with it,

they took it home. There, she counted the money----fifty thousand dollars!

Andy said, Weve got to give it back. Sally said, Finders keepers. She put the money back in the bag

and hid it in their attic.

The next day, two police officers were canvassing the neighborhood looking

for the money, and knocked on their door. Pardon me, did either of you find a bag that fell out of

an armored car yesterday? Sally said, No.

Andy said, Shes lying. She hid it up in the attic.

Sally said, Dont believe him, hes getting senile

The agents turned to Andy and began to question him.

One said: Tell us the story from the beginning.

Andy said, Well, when Sally and I were walking home from school

yesterday ....

The first police officer turned to his partner and said, Were outta here!
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You can retire to  Phoenix , Arizona  where...

1.  You are willing to park 3 blocks away because you found shade. 
2.  You've experienced condensation on your hiney from the hot water in the toilet bowl.
3.  You can drive for 4 hours in one direction and never leave town. 
4.  You have over 100 recipes for Mexican food.
5.  You know that "dry heat" is comparable to what hits you in the face when you open your oven door.
6.  The 4 seasons are: tolerable, hot, really hot, and ARE YOU KIDDING ME??!!


OR

 You can retire to  California  where...

1. You make over $250,000 and you still can't afford to buy a house.
2. The fastest part of your commute is going down your driveway.
3. You know how to eat an artichoke.
4. You drive your rented Mercedes to your neighborhood block party.
5.  When someone asks you how far something is, you tell them how long it will take to get there rather than how many miles away it is.
6. The 4 seasons are: Fire, Flood, Mud, and Drought.


OR

You can retire to  New York City  where...

1.  You say "the city" and expect everyone to know you mean  Manhattan  .  
2.  You can get into a four-hour argument about how to get from  Columbus Circle    to Battery Park, but can't find  Wisconsin    on a map.
3.  You think  Central Park  is "nature."
4.  You believe that being able to swear at people in their own language makes you multi-lingual.
5.  You've worn out a car horn. (Ed. Note: IF you have a car).
6. You think eye contact is an act of aggression.

OR

You can retire to  Alberta  where...

1.  You only have four spices: salt, pepper, ketchup, and Tabasco ..
2.  Halloween costumes fit over parkas.
3.  You have more than one recipe for casserole.
4.  Sexy lingerie is anything flannel with less than eight buttons.
5.  The four seasons are: winter, still winter, almost winter, and construction.

OR

You can retire to the  Deep South  where...

1. You can rent a movie and buy bait in the same store.
2. "Y'all" is singular and "all y'all" is plural.
3. "He needed killin" is a valid defense.
4. Everyone has 2 first names:  Billy Bob, Jimmy Bob, Mary Ellen , Betty Jean, Mary Beth, etc.
5. Everything is either "in yonder," "over yonder" or "out yonder." It's important to know the difference, too.

OR

You can retire to British Columbia  where...

1. You carry your $3,000 mountain bike atop your $500 car.
2. You tell your husband to pick up Granola on his way home and so he stops at the day care center.
3. A pass does not involve a football or dating.
4. The top of your head is bald, but you still have a pony tail.

OR

You can retire to  Saskatchewan  where...

1. You'll never meet any celebrities, but the mayor knows your name.
2. Your idea of a traffic jam is ten cars waiting to pass a tractor.
3. You have had to switch from "heat" to "A/C" on the same day.
4. You end sentences with a preposition: "Where's my coat at?"
5. When asked how your trip was to any exotic place, you say, "It was different!"

OR

FINALLY You can retire to  Florida  where...

1. You eat dinner at 3:15 in the afternoon.
2.. All purchases include a coupon of some kind -- even houses and cars.
3. Everyone can recommend an excellent dermatologist.
4. Road construction never ends anywhere in the state.
5.  Cars in front of you often appear to be driven by headless people.
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Marriage Counseling:

After 35 years of marriage, a husband and wife came for counseling. When asked what the problem was, the wife went into a passionate, painful tirade listing every problem they had ever had in the years they had been married.

On and on and on: neglect, lack of intimacy, emptiness, loneliness, feeling unloved and unlovable, an entire laundry list of unmet needs she had endured.

Finally, after allowing this for a sufficient length of time, the therapist got up, walked around the desk and after asking the wife to stand, embraced and kissed her passionately as her husband watched with a raised eyebrow.The woman shut up and quietly sat down as though in a daze. The therapist turned to the husband and said, 'this is what your wife needs at least 3 times a week. Can you do this?'

'Well, I can drop her off here on Mondays and Wednesdays, but on Fridays, I fish.'
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Hard to beat that last video, so I will sign off for tonight. Have a great weekend!

Friday Night Funnies: Dog For Sale

DOG FOR SALE :

A guy is driving around the back woods of
Montana and he sees a sign in front of a
broken down shanty-style house: 'Talking
Dog For Sale 'He rings the bell and the owner
appears and tells him the dog is in the backyard.

The guy goes into the backyard and sees a
nice looking Labrador retriever sitting there.

'You talk?' he asks.

'Yep,' the Lab replies.

After the guy recovers from the shock of
hearing a dog talk, he says ‘So, what's your story?'

The Lab looks up and says, 'Well, I
discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young..
I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA.


In no time at all they had me jetting from
country to country, sitting in rooms with
spies and world leaders, because no one
figured a dog would be eavesdropping.’

'I was one of their most valuable spies for
eight years running...

But the jetting around really tired me out,
and I knew I wasn't getting any younger so
I decided to settle down. I signed up for a job
at the airport to do some undercover security,
wandering near suspicious characters and
listening in. I uncovered some incredible
dealings and was awarded a batch of medals.'
'I got married, had a mess of puppies, and
now I'm just retired.'

The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks
the owner what he wants for the dog.

'Ten dollars,' the guy says.

'Ten dollars? This dog is amazing! Why on
earth are you selling him so cheap?'

'Because he lies. He's never been out of
the yard'





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Children Are Quick
____________________________________

TEACHER:    Why are you late?
STUDENT:     Class started before I got here.
________________________________________
TEACHER:    Maria, go to the map and find   North America      ..
MARIA:         Here it  is.
TEACHER:   Correct.  Now class, who discovered   America ?
CLASS:         Maria.
____________________________________  
TEACHER:    John, why are you doing your math multiplication on the floor?
JOHN:          You told me to do it without using tables.
__________________________________________
TEACHER:  Glenn, how do you spell 'crocodile?'
GLENN:      K-R-O-K-O-D-I-A-L'
TEACHER:  No, that's wrong
GLENN:       Maybe it is wrong, but you asked me how I spell it.  
(I  Love this child)
____________________________________________
TEACHER:   Donald, what is the chemical formula for water?
DONALD:     H I J K L M N O.
TEACHER:   What are you talking about?
DONALD:    Yesterday you said it's H to O.  
__________________________________
TEACHER:   Winnie, name one important thing we have today that we didn't have ten years ago.
WINNIE:       Me!
__________________________________________  
TEACHER:   Glen, why do you always get so dirty?
GLEN:          Well, I'm a  lot closer to the ground than you are.  
_______________________________________
TEACHER:     Millie, give me a sentence starting with '  I.  '
MILLIE:         I  is...
TEACHER:     No, Millie..... Always say, 'I  am.'
MILLIE:         All right...  'I am the ninth letter of the alphabet.'      
________________________________
TEACHER:    George Washington not only chopped down his father's cherry tree,
                    but also admitted it.  
                  Now, Louie, do you know why his father didn't punish him?
LOUIS:           Because George still had  the axe in his hand.....    
______________________________________  
TEACHER:    Now, Simon , tell me frankly, do you say prayers before eating?
SIMON:         No sir, I don't have to, my Mom is a good cook.  
______________________________
TEACHER:       Clyde , your  composition on 'My Dog' is exactly the same as your   brother's..
Did you copy his?
CLYDE     :         No, sir. It's the same dog.    

(I want to adopt this kid!!!)
___________________________________
TEACHER:    Harold, what do you call a person who keeps on talking when people
are no longer  interested?
HAROLD:     A teacher
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 Why Male Elk Have Long Antlers















Guy thing I guess!
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A true story from the pages of the Manchester Evening Times .
***************************************************

Last Wednesday a passenger in a taxi heading for Salford
station leaned over to ask the driver a question and gently
tapped him on the shoulder to get his attention.

The driver screamed, lost control of the cab, nearly hit a
bus, drove up over the curb and stopped just inches from a
large plate window.

For a few moments everything was silent in the cab. Then,
the shaking driver said "are you OK? I'm so sorry, but you
scared the daylights out of me."

The badly shaken passenger apologized to the driver and said,
"I didn't realize that a mere tap on the shoulder would
startle someone so badly."

The driver replied, "No, no, I'm the one who is sorry, it's
entirely my fault. Today is my very first day driving a cab.
I've been driving a hearse for 25 years."
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Breaking the Barrier....Or Is It That Little Glass Ceiling Feminists Keep Harping About?




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An otter showing us her baby....too cute! I love otters, look at her expressive eyes, maybe they should be our national animal!
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Why Canadians go south for the winter.....


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It's going to be minus 30 here tomorrow....global warming really sucks in Edmonton! Stay warm. Remember, your family is the most important thing in your life.

Friday Night Funnies: Beavers or Polar Bears?

How could I resist joining the debate about whether we should keep the beaver or replace it with the polar bear?

First up, the beaver:
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This is an actual letter sent to a man named Ryan DeVries regarding a pond on his property.   It was sent by the Pennsylvania Department of Environmental Quality, State of Pennsylvania .   This guy's response is hilarious, but read The State's letter before you get to the response letter.

State of Pennsylvania 's letter to Mr. DeVries:

SUBJECT: DEQ
File No.97-59-0023; T11N; R10W, Sec 20; Lycoming County    

Dear Mr. DeVries:

It has come to the attention of the Department of Environmental Quality that there has been recent unauthorized activity on the above referenced parcel of property. You have been certified as the legal landowner and/or contractor who did the following unauthorized activity:     

Construction and maintenance of two wood debris dams across the outlet stream of Spring Pond.   

A permit must be issued prior to the start of this type of activity.. A review of the Department's files shows that no permits have been issued  Therefore, the Department has determined that this activity is in violation of Part 301, Inland Lakes and Streams, of the Natural Resource and Environmental Protection Act, Act 451 of the Public Acts of 1994, being sections 324.30101 to 324.30113 of the Pennsylvania Compiled Laws, annotated.  

The Department has been informed that one or both of the dams partially failed during a recent rain event, causing debris and flooding at downstream locations..  We find that dams of this nature are inherently hazardous and cannot be permitted. The Department therefore orders you to cease and desist all activities at this location, and to restore the stream to a free-flow condition by removing all wood and brush forming the dams from the stream channel.  All restoration work shall be completed no later than January 31, 2010.

Please notify this office when the restoration has been completed so that a follow-up site inspection may be scheduled by our staff.  Failure to comply with this request or any further unauthorized activity on the site may result in this case being referred for elevated enforcement action..

We anticipate and would appreciate your full cooperation in this matter. Please feel free to contact me at this office if you have any questions.   

Sincerely,
David L. Price
District Representative and Water Management Division.



Here is the actual response sent back by Mr. DeVries:

Re: DEQ File
No.. 97-59-0023; T11N; R10W, Sec. 20; Lycoming County   

Dear Mr..Price,

Your certified letter dated 11/17/09 has been handed to me.  I am the legal landowner but not the Contractor at 2088 Dagget Lane , Trout Run, Pennsylvania .    

A couple of beavers are in the (State unauthorized) process of constructing and maintaining two wood 'debris' dams across the outlet stream of my Spring Pond.  While I did not pay for, authorize, nor supervise their dam project, I think they would be highly offended that you call their skillful use of natures building materials 'debris.'    

I would like to challenge your department to attempt to emulate their dam project any time and/or any place you choose. I believe I can safely state there is no way you could ever match their dam skills, their dam resourcefulness, their dam ingenuity, their dam persistence, their dam determination and/or their dam work ethic.







These are the beavers/contractors you are seeking.   As to your request, I do not think the beavers are aware that they must first fill out a dam permit prior to the start of this type of dam activity.

My first dam question to you is:
(1) Are you trying to discriminate against my Spring Pond Beavers, or
(2) do you require all beavers throughout this State to conform to said dam request?    

If you are not discriminating against these particular beavers, through the Freedom of Information Act, I request completed copies of all those other applicable beaver dam permits that have been issued.  (Perhaps we will see if there really is a dam violation of Part 301, Inland Lakes and Streams, of the Natural Resource and Environmental Protection Act, Act 451 of the Public Acts of 1994, being sections 324.30101 to 324.30113 of the Pennsylvania Compiled Laws, annotated.)

I have several dam concerns.  My first dam concern is, aren't the beavers entitled to legal representation?  The Spring Pond Beavers are financially destitute and are unable to pay for said representation -- so the State will have to provide them with a dam lawyer.

The Department's dam concern that either one or both of the dams failed during a recent rain event, causing flooding, is proof that this is a natural occurrence, which the Department is required to protect. In other words, we should leave the Spring Pond Beavers alone rather than harassing them and calling them dam names.    

If you want the damed stream 'restored' to a dam free-flow condition please contact the beavers -- but if you are going to arrest them, they obviously did not pay any attention to your dam letter, they being unable to read English.    

In my humble opinion, the Spring Pond Beavers have a right to build their unauthorized dams as long as the sky is blue, the grass is green and water flows downstream.  They have more dam rights than I do to live and enjoy Spring Pond.  If the Department of Natural Resources and Environmental Protection lives up to its name, it should protect the natural resources (Beavers) and the environment (Beavers' Dams).    

So, as far as the beavers and I are concerned, this dam case can be referred for more elevated enforcement action right now. Why wait until 1/31/2010? The Spring Pond Beavers may be under the dam ice by then and there will be no way for you or your dam staff to contact/harass them.

In conclusion, I would like to bring to your attention to a real environmental quality, health, problem in the area  It is the bears!  Bears are actually defecating in our woods.  I definitely believe you should be persecuting the defecating bears and leave the beavers alone.  If you are going to investigate the beaver dam, watch your dam step! The bears are not careful where they dump!    

Being unable to comply with your dam request, and being unable to contact you on your dam answering machine, I am sending this response to your dam office.

THANK YOU,
RYAN DEVRIES & THE DAM BEAVERS 
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Now for the polar bears:

Okay, they aren't as cute and cuddly as we have been told! This:


Grows into this:

You decide, beaver or polar bear?  Or maybe a hippo?


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Maybe we should make the moose our national animal?

When you think you've seen everything....
Without the picture, this would be hard to believe.
Read under the picture...


Pogo Moose Incident - Bracebridge , Ont , Canada - 1 hr. 45min. North of Toronto . 'They were laying new power cables which were strung on the ground for miles. The moose are rutting right now and very agitated. He was thrashing around and got his antlers stuck in the cables. When the men (miles away) began pulling the lines up with their big equipment, the moose went up with them. They noticed excess tension in the lines and went searching for the problem.

He was still alive when they lowered him to the ground. He was a huge 60 inch bull and slightly teed off!'
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Or maybe we should make dogs our national animal?


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On to other things, with winter around the corner.........


How To Avoid The Flu.

Eat right!

Make sure you get your daily dose of fruits and veggies.

Take your vitamins and bump up your vitamin C.

Get plenty of exercise because exercise helps build your immune system.

Walk for at least an hour a day..

Go for a swim..


Take the stairs instead of the elevator, etc.
Wash your hands often.
If you can't wash them,
keep a bottle of antibacterial stuff around.

Get lots of fresh air.
Open doors & windows whenever possible.

Try to eliminate as much stress from your life as you can.

Get plenty of rest.

OR!

Take the doctor's approach.. Think about it...
When you go for a flu shot,what do they do first? 
 They Clean your arm with alcohol...

Why ???

Because Alcohol KILLS GERMS..
So......

I walk to the liquor store. (exercise)
I put lime in my lager ...(fruit)
Celery in my Bloody Mary (veggies)
Drink outdoors on the bar patio..(fresh air)
Tell jokes, laugh....(eliminate stress)
Then pass out. (rest)
The way I see it...

If you keep your alcohol levels up
flu germs  can't get you!

My grandmother always said...
'A shot in the glass
is better than one in the a$$!'
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 Have a great weekend, remember to fall back on Sunday.     

Friday Night Funnies: Trick or Treat!

A repeat, but so good it needs to be seen again:

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A bald man with a wooden leg gets invited to a Halloween Party. He doesn't know what costume to wear to hide his head and his leg, So he writes to a costume company to explain his problem.

A few days later he received a parcel with the following note:

Dear Sir,
Please find enclosed a pirate's outfit. The spotted handkerchief will cover your bald head and, with your wooden leg, you will be just right as a pirate.

Very truly yours,
Acme Costume Co.

The man thinks this is terrible because they have emphasized his wooden leg and so he writes a letter of complaint. A week goes by and he receives another parcel and a note, which says:

Dear Sir,
Please find enclosed a monk's costume. The long robe will cover your Wooden leg and, with your bald head, you should really look the part.

Very truly yours,
Acme Costume Co.

Now the man is really upset since they have gone from emphasizing his wooden leg to emphasizing his bald head, so again he writes the Company another nasty letter of complaint.

The next day he gets a small Parcel and a note, which reads:

Dear Sir,
We have TRIED our very BEST.
Please find enclosed a bottle of molasses and a bag of crushed nuts.

Pour the molasses over your bald head, pat on crushed nuts, stick your Wooden Leg up your ass and go as a caramel apple.

Very truly yours,
Acme Costume Co.
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You know you are too old to Trick or Treat when:

10.. You get winded from knocking on the door.

9. You have to have another kid chew the candy for you.

8. You ask for high fiber candy only.

7.. When someone drops a candy bar in your bag,
you lose your balance and fall over.

6.. People say: 'Great Boris Karloff Mask,'
And you're not wearing a mask.

5. When the door opens you yell, 'Trick or...'
And can't remember the rest.

4.. By the end of the night,
you have a bag full of restraining orders.

3.. You have to carefully choose a costume that won't dislodge your hairpiece.

2.. You're the only Power Ranger in the
neighborhood with a walker.

And the number one reason Seniors should not go
Trick Or Treating...
*
*
*
1. You keep having to go home to tinkle!
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Halloween Card.

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Have a great weekend. I have noticed not many houses are decked out for Halloween, but we are doing our part to keep the tradition alive. 

Friday Night Funnies: Halloween Mooned

BURGLARY  IN FLORIDA (You just can't  make
                             this stuff up!!)

                                  When Southern Florida resident Nathan
                             Radlich's house was  burglarized
                                 recently, thieves ignored his wide
                             screen plasma TV, his VCR, and even left
                                 his  Rolex watch. What they did take,
                             however, was a "generic white  cardboard
                                 box filled with a grayish-white  powder".
                             (That's the way the police  report
                                 described  it.)

                                  A spokesman for the Fort Lauderdale
                             police said  that "it looked similar to
                                 high grade cocaine  and they'd probably
                             thought they'd hit the big  time."
                                 Later, Nathan stood in front of  numerous
                             TV cameras and pleaded with the
                                  burglars: "Please return the cremated
                             remains of my sister,  Gertrude. She
                                 died three years  ago."

                                  The next morning, the bullet-riddled
                             corpse of a local drug dealer  known as
                                 Hoochie Pevens was found on Nathan's
                             doorstep. The cardboard box was there
                                 too;  about half of Gertrude's ashes
                             remained. Taped to the box was this  note
                                 which said:

                                  "Hoochie sold us the bogus blow, so we
                             wasted Hoochie. Sorry we  snorted
                                 your sister. No hard feelings. Have a
                             nice day."
--------------------------------------------
Overdose Victim
 --------------------------------------------

--------------------------------------------
A nun was sitting at the Victoria airport waiting for her flight to Calgary.

She looked over in the corner and saw one of those weight machines that tells your fortune and thought to herself, 'I’ll give it a try and see what it tells me.'

She went over to the machine, stepped up on the scale and put her nickel in; out came a card that read, 'You are a nun, you weigh 128 lbs, and you are going to Calgary.'

The nun sat back down. She told herself that the machine probably gives the same card to everyone. The more she thought about it the more curious she got so she decided to try it again.   She went back to the machine and again put her nickel in, and out came a card that read:  'You are a nun, you weigh 128 lbs, you are going to Calgary and you are going to play a fiddle.'

The nun says to herself, 'I know that is wrong, I have never played a musical instrument even once in my life.' She sat back down.

From out of nowhere a cowboy came over and sat down putting his fiddle case on the seat between them.   Without thinking, she opened the cowboy's case, took out the fiddle, and started playing beautiful music.  Surprised at what she had done, she looked over at the machine, thinking, 'This is incredible, I’ve got to try this again.'

Back to the machine she went, put in another nickel, and another card came out. It read, 'You are a nun, you weigh 128 lbs, you are going to Calgary and you are going to break wind.'

Now she knows the machine is wrong, as she thought to herself, 'I’ve never broken wind in public a single time in my life.' But getting down off the machine she slipped, and as she was straining to keep herself from falling to the floor, she broke wind.

Absolutely stunned, she sat back down and looked at the machine. She said to herself, 'This is truly remarkable. I’ve got to try this again.' She went back to the machine, put in another nickel, and another card came out.

It read: 'You are a nun, you weigh 128 lbs, you have fiddled and farted around and missed your flight to Calgary.'
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You've been Halloween mooned!
 --------------------------------------------
Gonna Be A Bear!  (makes sense to me!)
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It's coming.......
Here is a picture of our place so far.....

Coffin and guillotine need to be put out yet, and all the ghosts, vampires and various other creatures! HA! Scary. 

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Have a great weekend! Remember to have fun with your family.

Friday Night Funnies: Dinner For My Husband!

--------------------------------------
A woman was enjoying a good game of golf with her girlfriends.
"Oh, no!"
She suddenly exclaimed.
"Look at the time!
I have to rush home and fix dinner for my husband! He'll be so pissed if
it's not ready on time."

When she got home, she discovered all she had in the fridge was a wilted
Lettuce leaf, an egg, and a can of cat food. With no time to go to the
Supermarket, she opened the can of cat food, stirred in the egg, and
Garnished it with the lettuce leaf.
She greeted her husband warmly when he came home, and then watched in horror
As he sat down to his dinner. To her surprise, he seemed to be enjoying it.

"Darling, this is the best dinner you've made me in 40 years of marriage!
You can make this for me any day!"

Needless to say, every golf day from then on, the woman made her husband the
Same dish. She told her golf partners about it, and they were all horrified.

"You're going to kill him!" they exclaimed!?

Two months later, her husband died. The women were sitting around the
Clubhouse, and one of them said,
"You killed him! We told you that feeding
Him that cat food every week would do him in! How can you just sit there so
Calmly knowing you murdered your husband?"

The wife stoically replied,
"I didn't kill him. He fell off the window sill
While he was licking his ass."
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Halloween is coming...........

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FINANCIAL Planning

If you had purchased $1,000.00 of Nortel stock one year ago, it would now be worth $49.00.
With Enron, you would have had $16.50 left of the original $1,000.00.
With WorldCom, you would have had less than $5.00 left.
If you had purchased $1,000 of Delta Air Lines stock, you would have $49.00 left.

But, if you had purchased $1,000.00 worth of wine one year ago, drunk all the wine, then turned in the bottles for the recycling REFUND, you would have had $214.00.

Based on the above, the best current investment advice is to drink heavily and recycle.
------------------------------------------

-----------------------------------------
Good example of a Brain Study: If you can read this you have a strong mind: 

7H15 M3554G3 53RV35 7O PR0V3 H0W 0UR M1ND5 C4N D0 4M4Z1NG 7H1NG5! 1MPR3551V3 7H1NG5! 1N 7H3 B3G1NN1NG 17 WA5 H4RD BU7 N0W, 0N 7H15 LIN3 Y0UR M1ND 1S R34D1NG 17 4U70M471C4LLY W17H 0U7 3V3N 7H1NK1NG 4B0U7 17, B3 PROUD! 0NLY C3R741N P30PL3 C4N R3AD 7H15.

PL3453 F0RW4RD 1F U C4N R34D 7H15
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Kitty is all in!!

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 5 NUNS IN A BAR

Sisters Mary Catherine, Maria Theresa, Katherine Marie, Rose Frances, & Mary Kathleen left the Convent on a trip to St. Patrick's Cathedral in New York City and were sight-seeing on a Tuesday in July. It was hot and humid in town and their traditional garb was making them so uncomfortable, they decided to stop in at Paddy McGuire's Pub for a cold soft drink.

Paddy had recently added special legs to his barstools, which were the talk of the fashionable eastside neighborhood. All 5 Nuns sat up at the bar and were enjoying their Cokes when Monsignor Riley and Father McGinty entered the bar through the front door.

They, too, came for a cold drink when they were shocked and almost fainted at what they saw

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 REPLACEMENT  WINDOWS

Last year I replaced all the windows in my house with those expensive, double-pane, energy-efficient kind.Today, I got a call from the contractor who installed them. He complained that the work had been completed a year ago and I still hadn't paid for them.Hellloooo,............just because I'm blonde doesn't mean that I am automatically stupid.  So, I told him just what his fast-talking sales guy told me last year... that these windows would pay for themselves in a year,,, Helllooooo?  It's been a year, so they're paid for, I told him.. There was only silence at the other end of the line,so I finally hung up.  He never called back.  I bet he felt like an idiot.
--------------------------------------
And finally, guaranteed to drive you crazy.....Find the cat.

Have a great weekend! I have to get all my Halloween stuff out. Ghosts, coffins, zombies, guillotine and various witches and ghosts need to be dusted off and set out for the big scare! 
BOOOOO!!! HA.

Friday Night Funnies: Can Cold Water Clean Dishes?

Dear Abby ,    My husband has a long record of money problems. He runs up huge credit-card bills and at the end of the month, if I try to  pay them off, he shouts at me, saying I am stealing his money. He says pay the minimum and let our kids worry about the rest, but already we can hardly keep up with the interest. Also he has been so arrogant and abusive toward our neighbors that most of them no longer speak to us. The few that do are an odd bunch, to whom he has been giving a lot of expensive gifts, running up our  bills even more. Also, he has gotten religious. One week he hangs out with Catholics and the next with  people who say the Pope is  the Anti-Christ, and the next he's with Muslims. Finally, the last straw. He's demanding that before anyone can  be in the same room with him, they must sign a loyalty oath. It's just  so horribly creepy! Can you help?
Signed, Lost in DC

Dear  Lost:    Stop whining, Michelle. You can divorce the jerk any time you want. You're getting to live in the White House for free, travel the world and have others pay for everything for you. The rest of us are stuck with the liar for two more years!
Abby  
------------------------------------

 


------------------------------------
COLOR IS GOOD

Yesterday I went to the doctor
For my yearly physical.
My blood pressure was high.
My cholesterol was high.
I'd gained some weight,
and I didn't feel so hot.
My doctor said eating right
doesn't have to be complicated and
it would solve my physical problems.
He said:
Just think in colors.
Fill your plate with bright colors.
Try some greens, oranges, reds,
maybe something yellow, etc.
and eat an entire bowl of
bright colors.
\/
\/
\/
\/
\/




And Sure Enough,
I Felt Better Immediately!!
I never knew eating right could be so easy!!
------------------------------------
Can Cold Water Clean Dishes? This is for all the germ conscious folks
 that worry about using cold water to clean.
  
John went to visit his 90 year old grandfather in a very secluded, rural area of Saskatchewan.
 
After spending a great evening chatting the night away,

the next morning John's grandfather prepared breakfast of bacon, eggs and toast.

  However, John noticed a film like substance on his plate, and questioned his grandfather asking,
  
'Are these plates clean?'
  
His grandfather replied,
  
'They're as clean as cold water can get em.
Just you go ahead and finish your meal, Sonny!'
  
For lunch the old man made hamburgers.
 
Again, John was concerned about the plates,  as his appeared to have tiny specks around
the edge that looked like dried egg and asked,
'Are you sure these plates are clean?'
  
Without looking up the old man said,
  
'I told you before, Sonny, those dishes are as clean as cold water can get them.

Now don't you fret, I don't want to hear another word about it!'
  
Later that afternoon, John was on his way to a nearby town and as he was leaving

his grandfather's dog started to growl, and wouldn't let him pass.
    
John yelled and said, 'Grandfather, your dog won't let me get to my car'.

Without diverting his attention from the football game he was watching on TV, the old man shouted!
  
'Coldwater, go lay down now, yah hear me!'
   
Meet Coldwater !

-------------------------------------------
 The light turned yellow, just in front of him. He did the right thing, stopping at the crosswalk, even though he could have beaten the red light by accelerating through the intersection.

The tailgating woman was furious and honked her horn, screaming in frustration, as she missed her chance to get through the intersection, dropping her cell phone and makeup.

As she was still in mid-rant, she heard a tap on her window and looked up into the face of a very serious police officer. The officer ordered her to exit her car with her hands up.

He took her to the police station where she was searched, fingerprinted, photographed, and placed in a holding cell.

After a couple of hours, a policeman approached the cell and opened the door. She was escorted back to the booking desk where the arresting officer was waiting with her personal effects.

He said, ''I'm very sorry for this mistake. You see, I pulled up behind your car while you were blowing your horn, flipping off the guy in front of you and cussing a blue streak at him.

I noticed the 'What Would Jesus Do' bumper sticker, the 'Choose Life' license plate holder, the 'Follow Me to Sunday-School' bumper sticker, and the chrome-plated Christian fish emblem on the trunk, so naturally I assumed you had stolen the car.''
--------------------------------------------
---------------------------------------
-------------------------------------------
 
THIS WEEK'S BRAIN EXERCISE
      man
1. ------------
        board


      stand
2. ------------
         i

3. /r/e/a/d/i/n/g/

4.  r
 road
    a
    d

5. cycle
   cycle
   cycle


       0
6. ------------
  M.D.
  Ph.D.

  
7. knee
 light

         ground
8.     ---------------
feet feet feet feet feet feet



9. he's X himself

10. ecnalg


11. death ..... life

 12. THINK

13. abababababababababababababababababababab...


Answers later. Okay, peek if you have to!
-------------------------------------


  This is a terrific and incredibly easy test. And it shows results in a
number of ways.. It clearly indicates that the majority of
    Americans don't have a clue about what's going on in the
world. No wonder our politicians take such advantage of us.
It's astonishing that so many people got less than half right.
    These results say that 80% of the (voting) public doesn't have
a clue, and that's pretty scary.
    There are no tricks here - just a simple test to see if you are current on your
    Information. This is quite good and the results are shocking.
I believe it was Winston Churchill who said that ". . . the
 biggest argument against democracy is a 5-minute conversation
  with the average voter .. .  ."

    Test your knowledge with 11 questions, then be ready to shudder
when you see how others did!

I got 9 out of 11 and I'm Canadian, see how you do!
------------------------------------------
Answers:

1. = man overboard
2. = I understand
3. = reading between the lines
4. = cross road
5. = tricycle
6. = two degrees below zero
7. = neon light
8. = six feet underground
9. = he's by himself
10. = backward glance
11. = life after death
12. = think big ! !
13. = long time no 'C'
-----------------------------------------------
Blogger was down last night, so these are the Saturday morning funnies!


Have a great Thanksgiving. I thank God everyday that we have the best Prime Minister in the history of Canada to lead us through these rough years. 

Friday Night Funnies: I Faked It!





- For young men, it's a nice ass. Only the most observant will define this as a really nice ass crossing the street. The really observant will see the thong.
- For older men, it is a respectable woman with a really nice ass crossing the street.
- The perverts will imagine her as a naked woman.
- The wise men will ponder the presence of mind of the photographer in the face of such beauty and gratitude that it was shared with humanity.
- For half of the women, this is an ordinary woman who should not have left home dressed that way.
- The other half is wondering where she bought that blouse.
- The wise women imagine the misery that this will be at 50.
- Children, the curious, and monks will probably notice a dog driving the taxi - don’t be alarmed, I didn’t see the dog either.
--------------------------------------------
Dear Tide:

I am writing to say
what an excellent product
you have.
I've used it all of my married life,
as my Mom always told me
it was the best.
Now that I am in my fifties
I find it even better!
In fact, about a month ago,
I spilled some red wine
on my new white blouse.
My inconsiderate and uncaring husband started to belittle me
about how clumsy I was,
and generally started becoming
a pain in the neck.

One thing led to another and somehow I ended up with his blood
on my new white blouse!
I grabbed my bottle
of Tide with bleach alternative,
to my surprise and satisfaction, all of the stains came out!

In fact, the stains came out so well the detectives who came by yesterday
told me that the DNA tests
on my blouse were negative.

Then my attorney called
and said that I was no longer considered a suspect in the disappearance of my husband.

What a relief!
Going through menopause
is bad enough without being
a murder suspect!
I thank you, once again,
for having a great product.

Well, gotta go.
I have to write to
the Hefty bag people.
----------------------------------------------------

This financial crisis is forcing the Province of Alberta and local agencies to make some tough decisions.
If things continue for much longer, there's a real risk that we may have to lay off Jose.
--------------------------------------------------------
So  JOHNNY  goes into the confessional box after years of being away from the Church. He pulls aside the curtain, enters and sits himself down.
There's a fully equipped bar with crystal glasses, fine red wine, Guinness on tap, cigars and liqueur chocolates nearby, and on the wall a fine photographic display of buxom ladies who appear to have mislaid their garments.
He hears Father Flahrety come in: "Father, forgive me for I have sinned. It's been a very long time since I've been to confession . . . and . . . I must admit that the confessional box is much more, uh, "inviting" than it was back in my day."

FR. Flahrety replies, "Get out, Johnny, you idiot! You're on my side!"
--------------------------------------------
 --------------------------------------------
Public Housing

The problem with public housing is that the residents are not the owners.

The people who live in the house did not earn the house, but were loaned the property from the true owners, the taxpayers.

Because of this, the residents do not have the "pride of ownership" that comes with the hard work necessary.

In fact, the opposite happens and the residents resent their benefactors because the very house is a constant reminder that they themselves did not earn the right to live in the house.

They do not appreciate the value of the property and see no need to maintain or respect it in any way.

The result is the same whether you are talking about a studio apartment or a magnificent mansion full of priceless antiques.

If the people who live there do not feel they earned the privilege, they will make this known through their actions.

The pictures below illustrate the point:
 

The Resolute Desk was built from the timbers of the HMS Resolute and
was a gift from Queen Victoria to President Rutherford B. Hayes.
It is considered a national treasure and icon of the presidency.

Mr. Obama, you are not in a hut in Kenya, or public housing in Chicago.
With all due respect, get your # @&% feet off our desk!----------------------------------------------
---------------------------------------------
Welcome to the "Guess Your Number Game".  Try It, I dare you.

I leave you with babies giggling, nothing is sweeter than that.



Enjoy the weekend, raking leaves seems to be in my future.

Friday Night Funnies: Mayday! Mayday!

Man Killed on Golf Course . . . The Price of Honesty!

A foursome of guys is waiting at the men's tee while a foursome of women ahead of them is hitting from the ladies' tee.

The ladies are taking their time.



When the final lady is ready to hit her ball, she hacks it 10 feet.  Then she goes over and whiffs it completely.  Then she hacks it another ten feet and finally hacks it another five feet.

She looks up at the patiently waiting men and says apologetically, "I guess all those f-----g lessons I took over the winter didn't help."

One of the men immediately responds, "Well, there you have it.  You should have taken golf lessons instead!"

He never even had a chance to duck.  He was 63 . . .
--------------------------------------------
A Marine Wife Confesses
 
This came from a Marine wife. It says it all
 
I sat, as did millions of other Americans, and watched as the government
Underwent a peaceful transition of power two years ago..
At first, I felt a swell of pride and patriotism while
Barack Obama took his Oath of office .
However, all that pride quickly vanished as I later watched 21 Marines,
In full dress uniform with rifles,
Fire a 21-gun salute to the President.
It was then that I realized how far America's military had deteriorated..
Every one of them missed the bas^ard.
----------------------------------------------
 -------------------------------------------
“Help...Help, my pilot just died!"

A blonde is on board a small two-seater airplane when suddenly the pilot dies. Not knowing how to fly a plane she grabs the radio.

"Mayday!  Mayday!  My pilot just died!"

Ground control receives her call for help and answers back, "Don't worry, Madam.  I'll talk you down, just do as I say.  First I need you to give me your height and position."

"I'm 5’2” and sitting in the right front seat."

Ground control responds, "Repeat after me: Our Father... Who art in Heaven..."
--------------------------------------
A  must  read for Grandparents....(Those who aren't will love it,   too.)
    
                              
At one point  during a  game, the coach called one of his 9-year-old  baseball  players  aside and  asked,
'Do you understand what  cooperation is?   What a team is?'  The little boy nodded  in the   affirmative. 
 
'Do  you  understand that what matters is whether we win or lose together as a   team?'  The little boy nodded 'yes'.  
 
'So,'   the coach continued, 'I'm sure you know, when an out is called, you   shouldn't argue, curse, attack the umpire, or call him a  pecker-head,  dickhead or asshole.  Do you understand all  that?'  The little  boy nodded 'yes' again.
He  continued, 'And when I  take you out of the game so another boy gets  a chance to play, it's not  good sportsmanship to call your   coach "a dumb ass or shithead" is  it?' 
The  little  boy shook his head 'NO'.
'GOOD',  said the   coach..
'Now  go over there and explain all that to  your  grandmother!'
----------------------------------------

------------------------------------------------
The woman applying for a job in a Florida lemon grove seemed
  to be far too qualified for the job; given her liberal arts degree from
  the University of Michigan and her jobs as a social worker and
  school teacher.

The foreman frowned and said,  "I have to ask you this:
 "Have you had any actual experience in picking lemons?"

"Well, as a matter of fact, I have!"
  "I've been divorced three times,
  owned 2 Chryslers, and I voted for Obama."
------------------------------------------
---------------------------------------------
UNIVERSAL LAWS

1. Law of Mechanical Repair
After your hands become coated with grease,
your nose will begin to itch and you'll have to pee.
2. Law of Gravity - Any tool, nut, bolt, screw, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible corner.
>3. Law of Probability -The probability of being watched is directly proportional to the stupidity of your act.
>4. Law of Random Numbers - If you dial a wrong number, you never get a busy signal and someone always answers.
>5. Law of the Alibi - If you tell the boss you were late for work because you had a flat tire, the very next morning you will have a flat tire.
>6. Variation Law - If you change lines (or traffic lanes), the one you were in will always move faster than the one you are in now (works every time).
>7. Law of the Bath - When the body is fully immersed in water, the telephone rings.
>8. Law of Close Encounters -The probability of meeting someone you know increases dramatically when you are with someone you don't want to be seen  with.
>9. Law of the Result - When you try to prove to someone that a machine won't work, it will.
>. 12. The Coffee Law - As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee, your boss will ask you to do something which will last until the coffee is cold.
>14. Law of Physical Surfaces - The chances of an open-faced jelly sandwich landing face down on a floor, are directly correlated to the newness and cost of the carpet or rug.
>18. Wilson's Law of Commercial Marketing Strategy - As soon as you find a product that you really like, they will stop making it.
>19.Doctors' Law - If you don't feel well, make an appointment to go to the doctor, by the time you get there you'll feel better. But don't make an appointment, and you'll stay sick.
-------------------------------------------------------
The graveside service was just barely finished, when there was a massive clap of thunder, followed by a tremendous bolt of lightning, accompanied by even more thunder rumbling in the distance.
The little old man looked at the preacher and calmly said, 'Well......she's there.'
 -----------------------------------------------------
 Okay, off to bed, want to get up early to enjoy what might be the last warm weekend of this year. The leaves are falling, time to get the potatoes and carrots out of the ground.